Mr. Whitekeys---The Official Biography

Committing a Federal Offense by photographing the missile site at Arctic Valley, Alaska.

Inside Coco,

The Colossal

Colon.  Get a

Colonoscopy--

you'll be glad

you did it in

the end!

    While performing at Chilkoot Charlie's in the early 70's, Mr. Whitekeys and The Oosik Music Company gave the bar it's world famous slogan, "We Cheat The Other Guy and Pass The Savings On To You!"  The management thought they were kidding .

     Mr. Whitekeys grew up in South Dakota, Iowa, and Arizona.  His fondest memories of his youth were the days his father, a doctor, would bring home jugs of unusable blood which he would pour on the roses for fertilizer.  No one in town grew better roses.

     Whitekeys moved to Alaska in 1900, immediately began playing piano is sleazy bars, and for a brief time in 1972 he and his friend Bodfish held the Guinness Book record for the world's longest banana split--an 800 foot confectionery monster built on Anchorage's Park Strip.  That record was broken a few months later in Minneapolis by some guys who cheated.   They set their record in below-freezing winter temperatures which presents no challenge at all, but Guinness recognized it anyway.

      In 1980, he opened Mr. Whitekeys' Fly By Night Club in Anchorage, Alaska.  The bar was designed to employ other ridiculously over-educated people who just didn't like getting up early in the morning.

     Since then, his life has been a fairy tale which has come true.  In February, 1995, Whitekeys was invited to the Alaska Governor's Inaugural Ball wheere he was honored to be the guy who introduced the guy who introduced the guy who introduced the Governor.

       After closing the Fly By Night Club in 2006, he has had run-ins with the Law for illegally photographing missile sites in Arctic Valley,  illegally photographing the Seward Prison, getting too close to grizzly bears in Denali Park, and birdwatching in Mountain View.  People in that part of town are touchy about people looking in their yards with binoculars at 7 o'clock in the morning.

     In his spare time, Whitekeys is addicted to illegal fireworks and coral reef marine biology.  In early 2015, he discovered the first record of a Stethojulis strigiventor in the Hawaiian Islands.  He is currently the Commander In Chief of the Anchorage Audubon Society, and he will continue to embarrass the entire environmental community until someone else agrees to take the job.